I have seen so many social media posts discussing this topic, usually in a negative way. The majority seem to agree that good people get used or taken advantage of. So, I wanted to choose this topic to discuss in greater detail, hoping to show a different perspective.
Yes, good people get used and/or taken advantage of sometimes. That is a fact of life. But most times, they don’t. Let’s start by considering the different ways people use.
How people take advantage of the system and the people who help them:
There are food banks and organizations that provide emergency essential items, some provide homes and many people receive several types of income support…..all over the world. Are there people taking advantage of these services? Yes!! People go to the food bank, sign up for free hampers and collect handouts for the less fortunate even though they have money in the bank, a car, a house and full-time jobs and don’t need it, they take it. You may know someone who is fully able to work, but would rather do anything other then work, and collects welfare. They may even do things like get a partner and have kids to get more funding and more services to help so they never have to work or pay for anything. People lie and say they have illnesses and disabilities they actually don’t have and collect pensions that they don’t deserve. Some people also use other people, for many different purposes. Could be they have an actual mental illness themselves, like narcissism and enjoy using you or maybe they have character defects like laziness, self doubt, or lack confidence. The list goes on!
Let’s look at the flip side! The majority of the people who access these types of services and support, DO actually need it. Even though, yes, there is a few strays (users) who make it through the cracks….But people who help people every day, do not judge the people they are helping. Like oh, your coat isn’t dirty enough, you’re lying about being homeless, you cant eat at the soup kitchen…..NO! That doesn’t happen. Maybe a man in an expensive suit, who has an apartment, and clothes, lost their job last month and used every penny they had left to pay rent…and IS genuinely hungry. If you are in a position where you are being a good person, you don’t judge the people you are helping. If a man is standing in line at the soup kitchen, a man is standing before you. A man you do not know! Again…YOU DO NOT KNOW!!!! If a man is in line at the soup kitchen, the man gets to eat as long as there is food to serve. Same goes for every person on the planet. It’s not about you judging if the person deserves the meal or not!!!! If a person takes food from the less fortunate, when they didn’t need it…You can be SURE that their karma will come to them. Let the energy that flows through this amazing universe sort it out.
Even income support and disability payments. They have a process. It’s pretty strict for the most part. Again, yes, some people will take advantage, but they each have their screening processes and they decide who does and does not get it. When you apply, you have to provide information, it has to be verified in order for you to be approved. The worker you speak to is supposed to ask you a set of questions that every worker asks every person. Being approved is based on either your financial or medical situation. If you’re a worker and you ask questions that are not on the set list of questions, you can probably be let go. (I am not sure on this, but due to all the rules and regulations with the treatment of people now, I believe they cannot ask questions with a personal agenda.) In this case again they are not allowed to judge a person based on anything. Your qualified or rejected based on your financial or medical circumstances/needs. A worker is not ethically allowed to judge someone. You help the ones who qualify to receive the help. Again some people sneak through the cracks and will take advantage of this.
People who use good people:
People who use good people are shitty people. Let’s just clear that up right now. Any good person, would say using someone is a really crappy thing to do to someone.
People who use people, are not going away! Ok…That may be hard to hear! I will get more into this in the next section, but, don’t worry there’s hope.
Let’s discuss the users….If you have been used by someone, chances are, you’re not the first person they have used. This is a pattern that they will repeat, until they want to make a change and stop the bad behaviour. They will use you until you literally have nothing left to give, all while making you think, you’re never giving enough. Leaving you completely drained. The user moves on to the next person, and the next, and the next. You may find yourself sleeping long periods for a lengthy time after a user leaves your life. They are like energy vampires and will suck your energy DRY!
It’s abuse and some never recover from the impact a user makes because it takes some deep work to recover. Many people become bitter and hold a resentment or anger. Usually they develop that, I don’t need anyone – attitude. They shy away from, or do not trust the new people they meet throughout their lives. Usually they live alone, do everything for themselves and don’t ask anyone for help. This is a symptom of unhealed trauma. And listen, if you’re recently realizing the impact past trauma has on your current life, don’t be hard on yourself. We learn as we go, we can heal, we can change. I will also get more into this in the next section.
A user does not have anyone else’s feelings or interest in mind, except theirs! This is a common trait of narcissism. However, some users are not narcissists.
You could be crying, professing your love, naming all the good things you’ve done for the user and telling them you’d do anything…..You may have even asked your user why they are hurting you, why it’s never enough, what can you do right or better to fix the relationship.
Maybe every new person you trust, takes advantage of you and you’ve lost hope in people. Sometimes it seems like every new person you meet is just so freaking amazing at first, the bestest friend, coworker or lover and you tell them a secret or trust them with something sensitive or maybe you loaned them money. Users…use for a million reasons. And the minute you entrust them, they fucken blow it. Leaving you sitting there wondering why did I trust another person again, why did I get used again, what did I miss, how am I attracting these people. Again, in this situation, many people become bitter and stop allowing new people into their life. Maybe even not trusting anyone they currently know well, even if those people haven’t used them before. The mindset shifts and thinks they haven’t used me yet.
Users…USE. But you are a good person and you helped people because you wanted to help and be a good person…..So even though, you may have been used……You are still a good person!
Let’s get to the good part!
How to get past feeling like everyone is using you…….How to spot it and stop it from happening:
I know we live in a fast paced, get everything you want, delivered now kind of world. Wanna lose weight? Take a pill, use this wrap, try this detox. Face got wrinkles? Use this cream, that serum, do this treatment….People want instant results with everything. If we ate right and exercised, we wouldn’t need a pill or a wrap. But that’s hard work. I feel ya! I love working out (insert rolley eyes here). I’d rather be at the breakfast buffet hahahah. I love breakfast food!!
But seriously….ALLL GOOD THINGS TAKE HARD WORK. If no one told you that, I am sorry to be the bad news bear, but it is the truth. For example, when you are broke and you see someone living the life you would die to be living, you just see a snapshot of that life. Exactly like a picture. When you see a photo/snapshot, everything looks so glorious and fantastic. We want it now. We don’t look at that billionaire, or business exec making 7 figures a year, or the family with the nice house, car and life of your dreams and think oh yeah that musta took them 10-20 years to make that dream a reality, I am willing to do the work to have that, I deserve that. No people think, my life sucks, why don’t I have that and they do, I’ll never have that, I have bad luck. Like what??? Mythical fairies riding unicorns, magically dropped off a billion dollars off at that person’s door, or the 7 figure income or the perfect life??????
I can tell you quickly how to get past feeling like everyone is using you, how to spot it and stop it from happening`. However, hearing my answer isn’t going to fix the issue, exactly like taking some pills isn’t going to take the weight off overnight and give you a 6 pack. Maybe answering this question will help you somewhat…..Like, taking some pills, or doing wraps and detoxes will help take weight off, you’re going to need to take your ass to the gym if you want a 6 pack. If you want to get past feeling like everyone is using you, spot it and stop it from happening you need to do the work to get past it!
I like my blog to be informative, so I am not going to withhold any information here. I hate it when I read or watch something for 20 mins and then to hear the answer, I have to pay….Nope, not doing that, my answer is below. I just want to point out that I write my blogs to give new clients an idea of who I am as a person and share my thoughts with those that appreciate them. What I say in any of my blogs, is my point of view on the matter. What worked for me, may not work for you. FYI, in sessions with a coach, we try to stay away from offering advice. We find out what exactly is stopping you from moving past issues in a way that works for you. (Quick example: Maybe a client is having trouble making more money. If I say well get a job, maybe the client is already working two jobs and that doesn’t work for them. Maybe they have other ideas inside them they would love to explore, but are having blockages/troubles realizing what they really want. It’s up to the coach to help you dig deep within yourself, and help you find exactly what will work for you….without suggesting.) Please keep that in mind if you try something I suggest and it does not work for you.
So, The short answer to be big questions…..You do the work to find out why you feel that way and what is holding you back, you let go of your ego, find a way move forward and set boundaries.
To help you understand that more…I hope the following info helps.
Are you attracting users???
The answer is YES! Are you doing something wrong?...NO!!!
Are you wondering…What does that even mean??? It’s ok I was too the first time I heard it!!!! I got defensive, like no, I did NOT do anything to attract people to do bad things to me. I just help people, I am kind and do what I can to be a good person, coworker, friend and partner.
Users seek out good people. SO being a good person will attract people who use you. You don’t need to stop being a good person! You will meet good people too! You need boundaries to stop the users.
Have you let go of your ego?
Why are you helping people? Is it because you feel good when you help someone? or Are you doing it because it is the right thing to do, aligns with your values and gives your life meaning and purpose.
Let me try and explain that. So If you are helping because it makes you feel good, you are doing it to feed your ego. Example: If a friend was in between jobs and you, out of the kindness of your heart, loaned them 1000$ to get through till their new job started. They mention they were feeling anxiety about money being tight and the transition….You thought they needed to pay some bills and get food, pay for gas….You genuinely wanted to help and know how it feels to be broke, so you help your friend, cause you needed help like that before. You gave the money and said here is 1000$, I know your job isn’t for another 2 weeks, you can pay me back in a few months when you can afford it. But the next day you meet your friend for coffee and they have some bags you can see are from expensive clothing stores. Then later that day, you overheard that another friend saw them at the spa yesterday and you just loaned them the money yesterday. From what you can see, it appears that the 1000$ was spent frivolously in a day. What thought comes to your mind when you read that? If this happened to you, what would you be thinking? Sit with this thought for a few mins before reading on.
What was your reply? Did it bother you or not? Did you think, I would be mad, like that money was for bills and they wasted it? Did it not bother you at all, you gave the money and it’s their choice what they spent it on? Or…Maybe you thought about asking your friend how she got the stuff or that you overheard about the spa and it was bothering you.
If you got bothered by how they spent the money, that is your ego. If you are mad, upset or hurt because of how they chose to spend the money….That is your ego. If you are genuinely upset still, talking to your friend and telling them how you feel is always the best thing. People who love you will accept you and understand where you are coming from. They will give you the space to be open if you are kind and also willing to hear them and what they have to say. But remember you could be assuming how they spent the money…Looks are deceiving.
How you need help, is NOT how anyone else needs help. Are you jumping in to help and save the day because you don’t want anyone else to feel like you have felt? You will always be disappointed if you do this. If someone has a problem, it is not your job to fix it, or to feel like you have to fix it, even loved ones. We support others by helping them on their own journey, not what we think is best for them.
Maybe loaning them 1000$ put them in more debt, maybe the money will become something that you argue about because they can’t pay it back. Maybe the person didn’t need money, they were just stressed cause it was tighter than usual….Maybe they didn’t use your money for the spa and clothes…Maybe their mom took them out for the day cause she was in town and the mom bought everything. Maybe they did spend it carelessly and now think you’re their new cash machine and will keep asking you for more. Stop assuming, stop rescuing and stop helping because you are feeding your ego.
If someone is expressing anxiety or is stressed ask where it’s coming from, what is blocking them or stopping them from feeling better, what feels right to them, what do they need to do right now to get to where they want to be. Always better than jumping in to save the day, that creates dependency.
Let’s say a friend asks for a loan. Do you have the extra money? What if they can’t pay it back, we are humans….Life happens….SO…Can you afford to loan the money meaning maybe lose it? So let’s say you have the extra, you can afford to lose it…..Are you going to be mad if the person spends it the way they want to or if they can’t afford to pay it back? My opinion on this…..If someone is hurting and asks me for money and I have it, can afford to lose it and I genuinely want to help…I give it to them and when they say no, no, I will pay you back….I say no please, pay it forward. Next time you have extra and someone needs it, help them. If it is a large amount, I say no. I also have boundaries in place. So, depending on the situation I may help twice, however the third time I will say that I am uncomfortable with them asking me for loans. If the person wasn’t taking advantage of me, they will stop asking and still be my friend. If they were using me they will leave me. Then, I learned a lesson, I know they weren’t my friend and because I gave the money with good intentions, I don’t feel like anyone took anything from me or used me. Letting go of my ego, doing thing that align with my values and having boundaries completely stops me from getting hurt or bitter.
Having boundaries wont completely stop it from happening. It will still happen but it becomes much fewer and far between. You learn signs and signals people give you.
Being hurt and angry over this is affecting you and your life and maybe even the relationships you have with people who currently do really love you. You need to make a choice and decide if you’re done letting other people affect your life. Learn from the things that happen in life and apply the lessons in the future. The lesson isn’t to stop being a good person, or to become a recluse and never meet new people. The lesson is to learn how to cultivate better relationships, how to be true to yourself and how to attract more good people into your life.
Again, you may still be having a hard time with this because it’s impossible to sum this all up in a blog post. It takes people time to work through these feelings.
When you’re ready to reach out, I am always here for you!
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